February 2012
61 posts
Bored
So I filled out an online survey for Old Navy.
Survey: How likely are you to recommend Old Navy to your friends and family?
me: not at all
Survey: You selected “not at all.” Could you tell us why?
me: I’m not that kind of person. I read books.
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Sooo
We got security cameras at the dorm where I work. Since I work late and nothing really happens, I mostly just use them to entertain myself. I’ll do something funny in front of a camera and then go back to my desk and play it back. I am very fulfilled.
Also, thanks to the brutal honesty of low res digital video, I no longer have any illusions about my hairline. It is no longer receding, it...
All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay →
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Sitting in the living room, minding my own...
Out of nowhere, a five-year-old girl just busted through the back door to my aunt’s house running and screaming “I’ve gotta go to the bathroom! I’ve gotta go to the bathroom!” She flew past me and peed without flushing or washing her hands.
I mean, she’s my cousin, but it was still a little jarring.
And also the funniest thing that will ever happen.
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This is how I dress sometimes when I'm home alone.
Calm down. EVERYBODY CALM DOWN
I just ordered a burrito and it will be here any minute. So just be cool, everybody.
Checking in
I took a break from house-sitting to check in on my apartment and pick up a few things. I walked in to find my 53-year-old roommate cooking something that smells like corn farts while his laptop blared the R&B equivalent of Muzak at full volume.
So, I’m leaving.
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I didn't really post that much last week
I was…busy. Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Busy. I had things to do. Important things. Business things. Dealings and whatnot. It was crazy. So crazy busy. No time to myself. None. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Zelda.
Okay. I wasn’t actually busy.
I bought the Sims.
Goddamnit, Tumblr
I haven’t watched the new SNL yet, so back off for a goddamn second! You’re ruining it!
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Just watched a drunk 18-year-old get carted off in...
So, I work at the front desk of this dorm. Late nights. It’s usually pretty dull—I can just sit and read and only occasionally have to deal with students.
But tonight was more exciting. Two of the Drunk Student’s suite-mates brought him to the front desk and told me that his body temperature was low and he’s been throwing up a lot. I told them to call 911. In the meantime...
What I did for Valentine's Day
I drank too much gin and slept for 12 hours.
I really need to make some changes.
Smelliot
At first Elliot, the dog for whom I am dogsitting, was really excited that I was here. He couldn’t contain himself. He just kept pacing around, waiting for the fun to start. Only occasionally stopping to lick his junk in front of me (I assume as some sort of boast?)
But now he’s realized that I am incredibly dull and wants nothing to do with me.
It's Valentime
There’s no food here. Which is more pathetic on Valentine’s Day: going to the store by yourself to buy a frozen pizza, or having pizza delivered to you and your dog?
I lost a follower
Somebody out there either hates butts, MacBooks, or my personality
Anonymous asked: All babies come from my mother's butt?
Anonymous asked: Where do babies come from?
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1 tag
3 hours in
and already I hate this dog.
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Has anyone else
been rooting for Carmen Sandiego and Where’s Waldo to get together for 15+ years? Or am I the only one?
They’re the Ross and Rachel of international disappearances.
They would have really discreet sex.
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LOL Dogz
I basically moved out of my apartment today, and into my aunt and uncle’s house, where I’ll be house/dog-sitting for the next six weeks, while they’re out of town.
I was going to write something else, but I lost my train of thought when the dog sat down next to me and started licking his peen. Then he got up and sauntered off like it was no big deal. DOES that count as sexual...
Goddamnit this thing is so user-friendly! 36 hours and I am still completely enamored by this fucking MacBook!
Also, I need to start swearing less frequently. I almost described the MacBook as “fucking fantastic” to my boss.
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So Basically
I’m just going to have photo booth running in the corner of the screen 24/7. Because I am kind of a narcissist.
And apparently, when I think I’m smiling at work, I actually make this face:
Which really isn’t a face at all. It’s more a lack of a face than anything else. I bet these people think I’m a fucking asshole.
I am incredibly susceptible to advertising. I own 27 pairs of pajama jeans.
And they’re all bedazzled.
And slow-roasting in my Ronco Rotisserie Oven.
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Will everybody just fuck off about Valentine's...
Seriously. Stop it.
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Oh my god, you guys, no one ever called Waldo’s parents. I bet they’re really starting to worry.
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NEOPRENE SLEEVE, y'all!
The sleeve for my MacBook just got here, and the computer itself is set to arrive on monday. I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do with my old computer once Macky gets here, and I think it’ll go something like this:
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Yo DUDES
I’m going to be house-sitting at my aunt & uncle’s for A MONTH!
They have cable and wifi and a giant flatscreen, so as of Sunday this no-TV thing is PROBABLY OVER!
Right now, I’m reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but I’ll def be done with it by Sunday, so I’ll either start another Larsson book, or Hunger Games (as recommended by Ms. Kellie Small), but...
An open letter to members of the Republican Party
OH MY GOD, REPUBLICANS, JUST PICK ONE ALREADY
Just decide on a candidate so we can all move on with our fucking lives. Then maybe CNN will stop cluttering up it’s headlines with idiotic speculations about which one of these cuntastrophes will be the front-runner next week. I am sick of it. I just want to read the goddamned news. The Republican primaries are no longer news to me. Pick one...
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In my 24 years of life:
I have only puked 9 times.
This is my greatest achievement to date.
WWVMD
What Would Veronica Mars Do?
A question I often ask myself.
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I have that disease where, if I can’t think of anything funny/interesting to tumbl/tweet, I get the urge to just write “Abortion Shmoshmortion” and call it a day.
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It’s okay to lie if it benefits you and only hurts others, right?
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