December 2011
62 posts
I’ve been watching British TV for two and a half hours and my internal monologue now has quite an accent. So, if you see me muttering something about “tea and biscuits,” know that there’s a good reason.
You guys! I just discovered gifs!
Took an internet quiz that said I have the emotional range of a robot so I better hurry up and murder John Connor before anyone else gets wind of this.
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One Tree Hill exists so that lonely teenagers can masturbate without muddying up the search history on their parent’s PC.
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Just realized...
She’s going to be able to hear it when I flush the toilet!
Oh well, guess I just won’t poop this week.
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I can't even
My 53-year-old roommate’s 14-year-old daughter is APPARENTLY staying in our apartment for “a few days.” And that means she’s sleeping on the couch. In the middle of the living room. Three feet from my bedroom door.
SHE’S THERE RIGHT NOW, YOU GUYS. Like, sleeping or whatever.
As a vampire, this kind of cramps my style. Fourteen-year-olds have bedtimes that end in PM...
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I fear I may have broken my foot when I accidentally kicked my bed while dancing to Camille’s “Ta Douleur” because things in my life weren’t quite weird enough.
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It's Christmas.
So I’m not going to be doing this whole “internet” thing for a few days. And you’re not going to be checking it. You aren’t even reading this right now.
You’re opening presents; or getting hammered off eggnog and rum-balls; or fighting with your aunt Rebecca because she just made an offhanded comment about how illegal immigrants should “just speak English...
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I think it was my lord and savior Jesus Christ who once said, “Would you be a lamb and get me a glass of wine? Thanks!”
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The liquid from this Beef-flavored Ramen looks like what I pictured the first time I heard the word “diuretic”
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Christmas is chrazy, chontinued.
Have greeting cards gotten dumber or have I gotten smarter? Or neither?
If it weren’t for these Awkward Family Photo Christmas cards I found, everyone on my list would just be getting a laurel and a hearty handshake.
Sign my petition to have “Cereal Eating” added to the list of sports to be played at the 2012 Olympics?
It’s the only way I’ll ever win a gold medal.
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Shit Girls Say is super funny →
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oh, God.
Fucking ditto!
Garlic butter flavored diet soda? Yes? We’re all agreed that this is an awesome idea? Has no one ever thought of this? Would it be crazy of me to poor all my savings into garlic butter flavored diet soda?
Slangy tribute to wikipedia
andrewschiver:
Andrew: “Wiki p, who the hell is Jonathon Brandis?”
Wikipedia: “Yo, he was this dude that was in the Thanksgiving episode of Saved By the Bell: The College Years. But now he’s deadsies.”
Andrew: “SB the B: the CY?! Awesomesauce! Love me some Belding. Thanks wikipedes!”
Wikipedia: “NP Andreezy, I’ll just be chillaxin here till you need the filmography of another obscure...
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I’m not normally very competitive, but I swear to god, I will beat you at twitter.
Jesus christ, I am pale.
If ‘likes’ were nickels I could buy all the coffee I want (in 1904)
Wikipedia
Please stop with the personal appeals. I do not, personally, find it appealing.
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Things from my trip to the mall yesterday that I...
My cousin Liz and I talked about how “rapey” the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is while it played in the Gap. The cashier we were talking to did not seem to find it as interesting a topic as we did.
Liz told an anecdote, the punchline of which was “a dirty box of condoms,” while we were standing in a check-out line. The girl in front of us gave us the...
True things
The word ‘gullible’ isn’t in my Italian/English Dictionary
Neither is ‘thunderslutz’
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Christmas is chrazy
Why 12 days of Christmas? It’s the 25th day of December. It don’t make no sense.
Also, the last few verses of that song are just ridiculous. Leapin Lords and Maids a-milkin’? They could have stopped at 7 and the song would have been fine. A nice, cohesive bird themed song (with some gold rings thrown in for flare). Instead they just started tacking crap on to the end. It makes...
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I think we should all start calling the internet ‘Stephen.’ I think this will be a lot of fun. For example:
“I hear Donald Trump’s hair is made of sadness and tiger whiskers”
“Oh really? Where did you hear that?”
“Stephen”
Twall you can Tweet
My twitter page looks like the disjointed journal of a lunatic.
I can picture, almost exactly, how my tweets would look written in blood and feces on the padded walls of an asylum.
“I do a lot of accents when I’m by myself.”
- Listed on my resume under “Special Skillz”
Who the fuck is Robyn and why was she jumping around on SNL last night?
She had the same mannerisms and enthusiasm as that orange-haired chick in The Fifth Element
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I have a terrible memory
Seriously, I’m the worst. Especially at names. I try, I really do, but they just sort of slip away, and I’m left calling you “dude” or “fella” for the rest of your life. (For real, I know at least half a dozen “dude-fellas”)
Most recently, I have forgotten the name of my roommate’s girlfriend. She’s here every day and we make polite...
Big reveal:
I’ve been pretty lax about blogging this week, and I should probably tell you why:
I’m really lazy.
Thanks for understanding